I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
