Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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