My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
