bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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