it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
