So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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