Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
