Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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