You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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