i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
