apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
