You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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