I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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