Is it normal to miss your booty call?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
