make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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