Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
