I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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