So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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