i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize