I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
