I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
