Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
