How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
