I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
