I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
