Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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