There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
