The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
