the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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