I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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