there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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