I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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