Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
