I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
