Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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