Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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