Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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