my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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