just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
