You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
