But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
