We named our party play list daddy issues
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
