I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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