It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
