You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
