The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's blow job season.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
