he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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