If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony