Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I enjoy the company of your penis