we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.