I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
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Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room