I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
