Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
