I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
