I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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