I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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