There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
50% drunk capacity currently
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
